Do I deserve you?
by Ichimaru Kenji
Summary: Harry x Snape Questions. So many of them fill my mind. Yet I feel as if you simply don't care. Do you still love me Harry? Or is this all just a delusion?


**Do I deserve you?**

Yea, the original drill, I don't own Harry Potter, nor their characters, thank you very much for your co-operation.

MAJOR ANGST for Snape.

Oblivious Snotty Harry.

But still [Snape x Harry

**REVIEW PLZ!!!! Complaints, Requests, Complements, Changes needed, ANYTHING!!! Plz. It's pretty hard for me to write anything without inspirations. PLZ!**

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**[Snape's POV**

_I remember when I was small, around 9. Curled up in my room upstairs, bring my hands to my ears, trying to shut out the noises below. Crashes of plates, shouting about money and crying of desperation. I was so small then, so small and innocent._Now I look at my hands. Bigger, but I still can't block the shouting all around me. I look up, you're still sleeping. Harry, my Harry. I continue looking at you, your black hair covering where your eyes should be shining of emerald. It's so rare for me to actually see you beside me, sleeping peacefully, without any worry of how you're gonna go through tomorrow.

How long as it been, Harry, since I slept? It hurts you know. Of course you don't know, you're not meant to. How can I let you know, I'll just become another one of your pilling problems. Pilling and dangerously shouting it's going to fall. I wonder, Harry, if you even realize what's actually happening around you? Of course you haven't, you're too busy trying to track down Voldemort.

Why, do you even bother Harry? I mean, he's the one tracking you down at the same time. Why not let him do the job and you wait for him, near the gates of Hogwarts or something? But then, I can't ask you any of my millions of my questions just yet can I? Just yet. That's what I kept telling myself, since when I wonder? Beginning of this relationship? Relationship? This comforting each other, and whispering sweet words to and fro and all the communication of 'I love you' we show each other.

Or is it just me doing all that? Have I been the blind one? You hardly show any interest in me, yet you stay with me. I'm not handsome, appealing not 'hot' in anyway, yet you stay with me. I don't make you laugh like other people, yet you stay with me? Why, Harry?

But I guess even if I tried bombarding you with my questions, you would just cast them away for later. Is this revenge for me being to cold to you over the last few years? Or am I just something to keep you company without causing you trouble. Or am I just here to laugh at me? Or is it to get information on Voldemort, even if I no longer have any more information.

I don't dare touch your hair. Your perfect hair. How I would have loved to look like you, cool and breathtaking. No slimy hair, no thin pale face and no dull grey eyes. You shine, you really do. But you shine even more when I see us together.

Oh I get it now, am I just something you keep beside you to improve your looks. I mean seriously, line up the unpopular, ugliest person in school with the popular, glamorous person in school. Then you get the most hideous troll like person standing next to a figure which anyone could mistake as God maybe.

I don't know Harry. How many hours more does the night want me to drown in my own pity? It's painful Harry. Help me, Harry. I'm so weak, aren't I Harry?

Oh, you opening your eyelids, I quickly close mine. I hear you yawn, then sigh. What does it mean? I risk opening my eye; I smiled a little to see yours closed. And I took care not to make any sound.

3 more hours till your waking up time. 3 more hours for me to think, to wonder, to hope. This is all I can do now, help you and hope that you will someday look at me at who I actually am.

I close my eyes, again hoping to sleep, but of course this never works. Stress, as they call it piles on my shoulder, it tires me out.

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**[Harry's POV**

Again. Pretending to be asleep next to me. Yea, you close your eyelids just in time for me to see them closed. But you're frowning. I know you never frown when you sleep. Do you remember that time when I made you drink the sleeping potion after you feinted straight after you got out of bed; you never frowned while you slept.

Is it that you don't trust me or something? No, that can't be it. If it was, you won't even have agreed to go out with me 3 months ago. I still remember that day, you actually smiled after I asked you, you smiled and hugged me so tightly, and you were so warm, so warm in your hands.

But now, your eyes are dull, not even the slightest light you had years ago. Now, I feel as though I don't even reflect in your eyes. I still remember you know, that time you pissed me off so much, you kept asking didn't you. Asking me, non stop on rubbish. For example, why I don't look you in the face anymore, why I never look in your eyes recently, why, why, why and more whys!

I had enough you know. Wait that was too harsh. Not 'had enough' but got slightly annoyed off, but I like the present you. The you, that don't ask ridiculous questions and actually care for me.

I smiled to myself for changing into who I want to be. And no don't you dare call me cruel, I did for your own good, I mean seriously, no one really like you before but at least more people talk to you. Don't you agree?

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**[Snape's POV**

You're squeezing the life out of me do you know that Harry? Squeezing me then molding me into what you want. Do you like me now? The silent me? You don't like it when I try express what I feel do I? But somewhere in me still yearns for you. I don't what to do, suffer for your love or suffer in my desperation.

I'm happy, I can still say this. You made me happy. You taught me 3 months ago how I could forget the past and move on. You would trace my jaws after we had sex, you know that I loved that. You would whisper my name over and over again when your in climax. Everything you did, I loved it. I could even say you were my reason to live.

You are so beautiful, so soft yet so strong. Yet you placed me next to you, me, boring, ugly and naïve. How I would do anything in my power to get you to look at me, to answer me at least. To prove to me that I still exist somewhere in you.

Morning. The day rushes past like every other day, I teach Potions and be nasty to everyone while you laugh around while thinking of your next step. How I love it when you laugh, it's almost as though you laugh for me, since I can't even remember the last time I laughed. When you laugh, I laugh, such a ridiculous idea you may say if I told you.

I know. I know. I know you no longer see me. I know you no longer need me. I know you no longer need your 'one-night-stander' who insists to stay by your side. But I can't seem to keep myself away from you.

I slipping away. As if. I only wish I was slipping away, to catch your attention, anything to show me you care for me. No I don't cut myself, I don't like the stereotypical muggle method. I prefer something more pure, I could say. No, not a diary, I'm no good writer, not a poem, I'm no good poet, not a song, no I'm no good singer. So here I am right now, near the lake, frozen lake my bad. January, the time when the snow refuses to melt, only growing colder and stronger, and oh so beautiful. Like you Harry, everyone's spending their New Year in their dormitory, I can even feel you laughing with your friends.

Friends. Something I wish I have, something I never had, something I even now crave for now. You are so lucky Harry, laughing with the people who are there because of who you are and not your fame. And look at me. I don't deserve you do I? We, total opposites. Yea, opposites attract maybe, only for a while, then everything goes one sided, unless the one dropping does something about it.

But what can I do, yea, you tried molding me into a shape, but I keep melting into my original self when you go away from me. I try holding it together, but when I hear all the insults directed at me, I just melt, Harry. Nothing's all right. No point in asking.

So here it goes, part one. Hope you can find out Harry. Hope you're the one who finds me Harry. I wouldn't want another pair of hands touching me, not that they would want to of course. So here goes nothing.

"Crucio!"

It hurts, but I clench my teeth, trying desperately not to let any sound out. It hurts so much. But hey must admit it hurts less compared to when I first go fit with that spell when I was 5. I must be getting use to it. I breathe so heavily, I can't even control it properly. I look up the castle, sometimes laughter could be heard, my heart clenches. Do you feel it Harry? It feels worse than that curse. My left arm is red, sore and painful. My visions beginning to blur. No! I won't allow this. I curse myself for my own weakness. Forcing myself up on my legs, half dragging and half stumbling my way up to my office, thank god today was New Year, no one to see me like this.

As I close the door to my office. I collapse, breathing heavily, I take a look at m arm, still red and swollen, but most of all numb. Did I accidentally direct my spell at my nerves of my arm? Well, whatever happened, nothing matters does it, since you're not here. Did you forget me already Harry? But it's okay right? Since I don't deserve you in the slightest.

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**[Third Person POV**

He look up, wishing someone or something could just end his life peacefully. But if praying did actually work, he would've died painlessly at the age of 5. He felt tears dangerously about to trickle down, but that doesn't matter anymore as well does it. He reaches down in his robe. His wand. His salvation. His light. He stared at it. Hoping that somehow, Harry would save him, but he would never come, he was too busy have fun. Something he was deprived of since a fetus.

He decided he wouldn't want to die quietly, like his life, and how easily everything trickled through his fingers. He held him wand to the door and window, placing a charm on it which prevented anyone from the outside to come in, but not sound proof.

He gripped his wand in his left hand, positioned it on his right arm, again whispering the unforgivable curse. He screamed this time, not bothering holding it in. He dropped his wand. After the pain, he lay there, breathing heavily than ever in his life. But he knew he had to finish what he started. Now pointing to his heart, he picked up his wand. And said the curse for the third and final time.

It was unbearable, he screamed like never before, heart on fire was too painless to describe what he felt. He felt as if millions of pair of hands were gripping his body and squeezing the squeezing the life out of him. Only then did the charm on the doors and windows disappear, and sounds of many footstep getting closer to the room.

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**[Harry's POV**

It's quiet. It's not normal. I mean it is early this morning. But too quiet. I quickly snatched my glasses, pulled away my duvet. The scene surprised me. Ron, Hermione and Prof. Mcgonagall were standing next to my bed. Hermione, had puffy red eyes, which meant only one thing, bad news.

I began wondering if the news was that bad, why didn't they wake me? I looked around trying to get clues. But to no prevail. So I decided to clear my throat.

"What happened?"

They looked down. Still no clues.

"Hey! If nothing happened, why are you guys here?"

Ron looked up and opened his mouth slowly as if trying to find the right words. But he looked away as soon as his eyes met mine. Now I totally don't get what happened.

"You know if you don't say anything, I won't know anything"

Hermione then whispered in a voice so sad "He tried"

I froze, I don't know why, but I stopped, 'he'? Who was this he? And what did he try? Do I know this person? But of course I must if they're crying next to me about this person.

"Who? Who are you talking about Hermione? Do I know this person" Looking at all three of them.

"No, you didn't know him Mr.Potter. It's ok. No one ever knew him" Mcgonagall replied with the same quiet voice as Hermione.

"Wtf, then why are you telling me? You think I have any interest in a stranger trying to do something? Sorry, but I don't do those kinda things…"

"No, mate. We all knew this person, but never saw him" Ron answered

"Right, so this famous person we all know but never seen in real life tried to do something?! Look I'm not interes…"

"NO! Look Harry, I don't know how I should tell you this, but I think it's better if you saw it rather than me trying to explain what I don't even understand"

I was so confused. I just looked at her and said "uhh, ok, lemme het ready"

After I got changed I followed the three out of the common room and towards the dungeon. I froze inside again. Why were we heading down here? Was Snape going to explain to me? But didn't cat freak tell me that we're going to see something she couldn't explain. Does that mean something happened in the dungeon?

As we reached the door to his office, all the other staff was there, none smiling, none talking. I didn't know what to expect, what happened in there?

Prof. Dumbledore turned his head towards us. Then said simply "Harry" but his tone gave no clue. I stepped forwards, and whispered in my ear "I'm sorry Harry, but he wanted to give this to you"

I had no idea what he was talking about. He gestured me towards the door. I felt everyone's eyes on me. I knew something wasn't right. Like duh- who wouldn't feel out of place in this situation.

As I opened the door, I see nothing out of place. But the realize something. My shoes made a little splash when I entered the room. I looked down. Snape. Sleeping for sure, because he had to frown. He body was leaning against the hinges of the door. His wand laying discarded on his lap under his hand. His eyes closed. No frown.

I extended my hands to touch his face, cold. My gasp, knowing whose fault it was. Even though not fully and detailed, but who else? My knees collapsing through shock. NO! I didn't do this. I never told him to do this. I just wanted him close. I caught him in my palms, after all my hard effort don't tell me I was the one who squeezed the life out of him.

It wasn't fair. I overlooked a sign, which concluded me in overlooking a life I loved. I did! I loved him! I did! I did! I just never said it out loud. But I did! I did!

I'm sorry. I never deserved you, did I? Many after your death talked to me about the change the noticed in you. Did I overlook so many signs? Your questions, I never answered, I answer every night. Hoping one day you can forgive me, but I know you can't. How can you? But why then? If you really loved me, that you killed yourself because of my faults, then why are you not near me? I can't even feel your presence. It's lonely. But sometimes. Sometimes, I feel this tug my heart. Whenever someone comes near me and asks me to be their lover, I feel your tug, then why? Why, recently can I no longer feel them? You haven't left me for good have you? Or is it that I don't deserve you even if you died? Or is it because you found another? Or is it that you can't care for me anymore, since I was the one who pushed you over? Or is it because you want revenge?

Look at me. Now it's me who's asking the questions. I don't want to move on. Because I know I don't deserve you, yet I still want you.

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I'm so sorry for the bad ending. I got kinda stuck… :C 

**REVIEW PLZ!!!! Complaints, Requests, Complements, Changes needed, ANYTHING!!! Plz. It's pretty hard for me to write anything without inspirations. PLZ!**

**AND PLEASE!!! Help me with my other story called Bloody Night, I got up till chapter 2, and i dont know how to continue it!! PLEASE!!! HELP!! ME!!! IDEAS!!! ANYTHING!!!! **


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